Bird flu fever

Woke up feeling a bit throaty this morning. No, really. The newsagent didn't stock Tamiflu ("Sorry love, I've got loads of Daily Mails, though"), so made a Lemsip and hit eBay in search of the elusive bird flu drug that sounds a bit like a French child star.

Sadly, the eBay shelves have been wiped clean of Tamiflu. Not because everyone's stockpiling the stuff, but because eBay got nervous. Soon after a 10-pack of Tamiflu pills showed up on eBay yesterday morning, attracting 84 bids up to £104, eBay's gatekeepers killed the auction. The seller himself is still alive and well, but banned from ever darkening the cyber-shelves again.

Never mind. eBay users are enterprising devils. If they're not allowed to sell actual Tamiflu, they'll sell a tub of vitamin C powder and write the ad so that stupid people will think it's Tamiflu. Business genius! One seller is flogging Ascorbic Acid 4 AVIAN BIRD FLU, described as the "HEALTH PRODUCT BIG BROTHER DOESNT WANT YOU 2 NO ABOUT". Presumably because Big Brother wants to keep all the vitamin C powder to himself. We'll stick to oranges, thanks.

Fans of the "Dr" Gillian McKeith approach might also want to try some bargain-tastic bird flu vitamins, which have a starting bid of just 1 US cent, or an aromatherapy bird flu kit. It might not cure bird flu, but it goes really nice in the bath.

If hippy smellies don't do it for you, perhaps a big shiny gadget will. The most sophisticated bird flu avoider we spotted is the "cone-shaped" Medline's N-95 Respirator N95, currently gathering bids of US$27.99. It sounds excitingly Doctor Who, though wearing it outdoors may get you beaten up in parts of North East London.

There's more oxy-techie face mask action with the OxygenPac BIRD FLU Pandemic Avian Emergency Prep Kit. Bids have almost reached US$400, so it must be good for something, if only the girth of the seller's wallet. "Don't Panic!" screams the item description. "Governments are preparing for a pandemic, shouldn't you?" Well, when you put it like that...

A cheaper and more low-tech face mask could be yours for only a few quid if you’re brave enough to bid on an auction titled BIRD FLU eek it's coming this could save you!!!! WEIRD!! (subtitle: Keep your last breath in this and live forever!!!!). The item description itself is a work of marketing art: "You can use this ANTI BIRD FLU BAG to store your most important LAST BREATH in!!!! You could inhale that last drag on your ciggy. You could let out your last least beltch (sic). Who knows, you could do a whole load of stuff. BID FOR THE BAG NOW!!!!, before you die of bird flu!!!"

Touchingly, the seller adds: "Please note: If this auction goes any higher than the cost of the stamp to post it I will donate ALL proceeds to the RSPB. Fitting really!!!!"

And if you have pet chickens, God help you. Or, indeed, eBay help you. The auction titled PET CHICKEN? BIRD FLU SCARE has now been withdrawn by eBay, even though the seller was flogging nothing more controversial than beak-wipes. "If your bird doesn't show signs of a cold, put these by the chicken toilet," it said. "Perfect for the average pecker." Goodness gracious.

However the finest example of no-nonsense entrepreneuriship we've seen is the sale of the Birdflu-info.com domain name. A starting bid of US$49.95 soon shot up to US$299.95, and the auction still has a day left to run. Maybe the pecker-wiper seller should buy the domain and flog his wares there instead.

(Vitamin C for bird flu) Ends 21-Oct-05 16:11:13 BST
(Bird flu vitamins) Ends Oct-19-05 14:15:00 PDT
(Medline N-95 Respirator) Ends Oct-19-05 12:47:08 PDT
(OxygenPac bird flu prep kit) Ends Oct-20-05 21:50:49 PDT
(Low-tech bird flu bag) Ends 21-Oct-05 18:58:49 BST
(Birdflu-info.com) Ends Oct-19-05 16:48:51 PDT